The fifth love language: physical contact

We have known for a long time that physical contact is a means of communicating love, and many researches related to child development have concluded that an infant who holds, cuddles, kisses, and lives a healthier life emotionally than An infant who is left for long periods of time without physical contact, and the idea of the importance of contact with children is not new. In the first century AD, people used to bring their children to Jesus, peace be upon him, but the disciples forbade them from doing so, but our Lord Jesus used to order the disciples to stop doing this, as he used to say: Children are loved by God, and adults must learn from them. Wise parents in any civilization are those who communicate with their children physically. Physical contact is also an effective means of communicating love between married couples. Interlocking hands, kisses, hugs, and intimate relationships are all ways of communicating love between two parties. Physical contact is considered the primary language of love for some people, and without it they feel unloved, and with it their love tank is filled, and they feel confident in the love of their partner in life. In the past, people used to say: “The way to a man’s heart passes through his stomach,” and a man often falls ill. With “obesity to the point of killing”; As a result of his wife believing in his philosophy, and of course people in ancient times did not mean the sensual heart, but rather they meant the romantic center of the man, and perhaps it would be more correct to say: “The way to the heart of some men passes through their equipment.” I remember the husband who said to me: “My wife She is an expert cook, Dr. Chapman. She spends hours in the kitchen and prepares huge meals, but I am a man who loves meat and potatoes. I tell her that she is wasting her time, because I love simple food, but she gets angry and tells me: I do not appreciate her, even though I really appreciate her, but I want "To take it easy on her part, and not spend all that time preparing those huge meals, so we could enjoy more time together, and she would have the energy to do other things." It was clear that "other things" were closer to his heart than food. Wonderful. This man's wife was hurt. She grew up in a family; Her mother was a skilled cook, and her father appreciated her mother’s effort, and she remembers her father saying to her mother: “When I sit at a table with meals like these, it is easy for me to love you.” Her father had an endless source of positive comments that He told her mother about her cooking, and he praised her for her cooking skill in private and in front of others. This girl learned her mother’s way of cooking very well, but the problem was that she did not marry someone who resembled her father; Her husband’s love language was completely different from that. In my conversation with this husband, it did not take me long to discover that “other things” meant an intimate relationship, and when his wife responded to him in an intimate relationship, he felt confident in her love, but When she does not respond to him intimately, regardless of the reason, all her cooking skill does not convince him that she actually loves him. He does not reject good meals, but he sees that they cannot replace what he considers “love.” Despite this, intimacy It is one of the dialects of physical contact as the language of love. Unlike the other five senses, touch, which is one of the five senses, is not limited to one area of the body. The fine sensory receptors are spread throughout the entire body, and when these receptors are touched or pressed, neurotransmitters transmit These sensory impulses to the brain, and the brain translates those impulses; Thus, we realize that the thing we touched was warm, cold, or solid at first, and this makes us feel either pain or happiness, and we can also translate it as a sign of love or enmity. Some parts of the body are more sensitive than others; The reason for this is that fine sensory receptors are not found equally in all parts of the body, but are found in groups. Therefore, we find that the front of the tongue is the most sensitive part of the body, while we find that the area above the shoulders is the least sensitive. We find that the tips of the fingers and the bridge of the nose (barrel: the tip of a pointed thing) are areas where sensation is very high. Our purpose here is not to know the neural bases of sensation and touch, but rather Our purpose is to know its importance from a psychological perspective. Physical contact can make or break a relationship, and it can convey love or hate to another. For someone whose primary language is physical contact, this contact will express more to him than the words said to him, such as: “I hate you.” , or “I love you.” If you slap any child in the face, it will be harmful to him, but that slap will be more harmful to the child whose primary language of love is touch. While an affectionate hug communicates love to any child, it reaches a greater extent to the child whose primary language of love is touch. Physical contact, and this is the case for adults as well. In marriage, the touch of love can take different forms; Since touch receptors are spread throughout the body as a whole, a loving touch on your part to your partner in life - in any place - is often an expression of love. This does not mean that all touches have the same effect, as some make them feel happier than others, and the best person to tell you about that is He is of course - your partner in life, and moreover, he is the one whose love you seek, and he is also the one who knows best what to accept as a loving touch, and do not touch him in the way you want, and at the time you want, but learn to speak his tone of love; Because your life partner can feel uncomfortable or angry about some touches; When you insist on these touches, you convey to him a meaning that is the opposite of the meaning of love. It conveys to him that you do not feel his needs, and that you do not care about the things that make him happy. Do not make the mistake of thinking that a touch that makes you feel happy will also make the other party feel happy. Touches of love can be apparent and requires your full attention; Such as back massages and introductions to sexual intercourse that end in an intimate relationship. In contrast, these touches can be implicit and require one minute, such as placing your hand on his shoulder while pouring a cup of coffee, or rubbing your body against his when you pass in the kitchen, and virtual touches of love take a long time. As is clear, this is not only with regard to sensual touch, but with regard to developing your understanding of how to communicate love to the other party in this way, and if the back massage expresses love greatly to the other party, then the time, money and effort you put into learning how to be a good masseur, Or a good masseuse, you will have invested it well, and if your partner's tone in life is intimacy, reading about and discussing the art of intimacy will improve your expression of love. Implicit touches of love do not require a lot of time, but they need more thought, Especially if physical touches are not your partner’s primary language in life, and you did not grow up in an “emotional family,” sitting next to each other while watching your favorite show does not require more time, and yet it can convey love in a great way, and when you touch your partner in Life as you pass by the room in which he is sitting does not take more than a minute, and when you touch each other when you leave the house and when you return, and this includes a short kiss or hug, this expresses your love for your husband in a great way. Once you discover that sensual touch is the language of love Essential for your partner in life, when you limit your imagination to finding ways to express your love, and inventing new ways and places to touch, it can be an exciting challenge, and if you are not the type who prefers “touching under the dining table,” then you can see that this can add activity. When you eat out, and if you are not accustomed to holding each other's hand outside the house, you may find that you can fill the other's emotional love tank when you walk around the park, and if you are not accustomed to kissing each other as soon as you get in the car, perhaps You will find that this can greatly improve your trips, and hugging your life partner before he goes out shopping will not only express love to him, but will also make him return home faster. Try new touches in new places, and let your life partner tell you his opinion on whether He finds it enjoyable or not, and remember that he has the final say in this; Because you're still learning how to speak his language.

The body was created to be touched

Everything that is from me lies in my body. When you touch my body, you touch me, and when you turn away from my body, you distance yourself from me emotionally. In our society, shaking hands is considered a means of conveying frankness and social connection to others, and when It happens on rare occasions that a person refuses to shake hands with another person. This conveys the message that the relationship between them is not well. Every society has a certain way of physical touching as a means of social greeting. Perhaps the average American person feels uncomfortable with a European hug and kiss, but this For Europeans, it is like a handshake to us. There are appropriate ways and inappropriate ways to touch the opposite sex in every society, and the recent interest in sexual harassment has made clear the inappropriate ways of touching. However, within the marital framework, determining appropriate and inappropriate touches is up to the spouses. While there are broad frameworks, and physical abuse is of course considered inappropriate for society, and social organizations have been formed to help “the battered wife and the battered husband,” it is known that our bodies were created to be touched, not to be abused. This era is characterized as an era of sexual openness and freedom, and with the presence of that freedom, we have made clear that open marriage; Where both spouses have the freedom to have intimate relationships with other people is something imaginary. Those who do not object to it for moral reasons ultimately object for emotional reasons. There is something in our need for intimacy and love that prevents us from giving that freedom to our partner in life. It becomes The emotional pain runs deep and intimacy evaporates when we realize that our life partner is sexually involved with another person. Counselors’ files are filled with stories of husbands and wives trying to deal with the emotional trauma caused by an unfaithful husband or wife. This trauma is doubly so for a person whose primary language of love is physical contact. This is because what he has been waiting for so long - the expression of love through physical contact - is now given to another person, and his love tank is not only empty, but it is shattered by an explosion, requiring massive repairs to those emotional needs; So that it can be met.

Crisis and physical contact

In times of crisis in particular, we hug each other. Why? Because physical contact is a strong connector of love, and in times of crisis we need to feel love more than anything else. We cannot always change events, but we can overcome them if we feel loved. All marriages go through crises; The death of parents is inevitable, car accidents cause physical disability and kill thousands every year, diseases are not limited to some people only, feeling frustrated is a part of life, and the most important thing you can do for your companion in a time of crisis is to love him or her, and if that is the primary language of love For your partner in life, it is physical contact. There is nothing more important than communicating with him in the way he requests. Your words may not mean much, but your physical contact will convey to him that you care about him. A crisis gives a person a wonderful opportunity to express love, and your affectionate touches will remain in his memory long after the passage. The crisis, and your failure to touch will never be forgotten. Since my first visit to the city of West Palm Beach, Florida - many years ago - I have always accepted invitations that come to me from that area; To hold seminars on married life, and it happened on an occasion like this that I met “Pete” and “Patsy.” They were not natives of Florida - and they are few - but they had lived there for twenty years and considered the city of “West Palm Beach” to be their homeland. My seminar was sponsored by a local house of worship, and on our way from the airport the pastor of the house of worship told me that Pete and Patsy had asked that I spend the night at their house. I tried to act excited, but I knew from past experience that a request like that often meant a counseling session. Late at night, yet I should have been surprised for more than one reason that night. Entering the spacious, well-decorated, Spanish-style house, I introduced Charlie, the family cat, to Patsy. House I guessed that either Pete's business was doing very well, or that his father had left him a huge fortune, or that he was in a lot of debt, but then I discovered that my first guess was correct, and when he showed me the guest room I noticed that... Charlie: The cat was acting like he was at home; He was lying on the bed on which I should have been sleeping, and I thought the cat was doing it on purpose. Pete came home shortly, and we had a pleasant snack together, and we agreed to have dinner after the seminar, and several hours later, during dinner. I was waiting for the counseling session to start - and it didn't start. Instead, I found that Pete and Patsy were a healthy, happy married couple. For a marriage counselor, this was strange. I was eager to know the secret behind it, but I... Because I was very tired, and I knew that Pete and Patsy would take me to the airport the next day, I decided to make my question at a time when I would be more alert, and they showed me to my room. Charlie the cat was kind enough to let him leave the room. When I reached it, when he jumped off the bed, he headed to another room, and within minutes I was in bed, and after a short period of thinking about the day’s events, I was in a stage between sleep and wakefulness, and just before I lost touch with the real world, the door to my bedroom opened and a monster jumped on top of me. I had heard about Florida scorpions, but it was not a small scorpion, and without time to think, I pulled the sheet with which I was covering my body and with a loud cry filled with fear, I threw the monster towards the opposite wall, and I heard the sound of its body hitting the wall, and then silence prevailed after that. "Pete" and "Patsy" came running through the hall and turned on the light, and we looked at "Charlie" while he was still lying on the floor. "Pete" and "Patsy" had never forgotten me and neither had I forgotten them, and "Charlie" woke up after a few minutes. But he never came into my room again, and in fact, Pete and Patsy told me that he never came into that room again. After my abuse of Charlie, I wasn't sure that Pete and Patsy would still want to drive me to the airport. The next day, or that they would care about me in any way, these fears were dispelled when Pete came up after the seminar and said, “I have been to many seminars, Dr. Chapman, but I have never heard anyone describe my situation.” Patsy said, "As clearly as you described it, your idea of love languages is real, and I can't wait to tell you our story." A few minutes after we bid farewell to the seminar attendees, we were on our way to the airport, which was a forty-five-minute drive away. Pete began... "Patsy" told me their story, in the first years of their married life they faced enormous problems, although twenty-two years before that, all their friends thought that they were a "perfect marriage" and both "Pete" and "Patsy" believed that their marriage... A contract in the sky. They grew up in the same community, attended the same house of worship, graduated from the same high school, and had the same lifestyle and values. Pete and Patsy had a lot in common; they loved tennis and boating. They often talked about the many commonalities that existed between them, and it seemed that they had all the things that were supposed to confirm that their differences in married life would be few. They began dating while they were in the last year of high school, and they had attended two different colleges, but they arranged To meet at least once a month, and sometimes more than once, and by the end of their first university year, they were convinced that they were “made for each other,” but they agreed to finish their studies before getting married, and during the next three years, they enjoyed an ideal dating relationship. One of them would go to his university on the first weekend of the month, and on the second weekend the other would go to his university, and on the third weekend they would go to see his family, but they would spend most of the holiday together, and they agreed not to see each other on the fourth weekend. To give themselves the opportunity of developing individual interests, they followed this schedule constantly, unless there was a special event; Like Christmas, and three weeks after he obtained his university degree in business, and she obtained her degree in sociology, they were married, and two months after the marriage they moved to Florida; Pete had been offered a good job, they were two thousand miles away from their nearest relative, and they could have a 'honeymoon' forever. The first three months were exciting; Moving, finding a new apartment, having fun together, and the only conflict they can remember was over doing the dishes; Pete believed he had a more efficient way to do the job, but Patsy was not open to that idea. In the end, they agreed that whoever washed the dishes could do it their own way, and so this conflict was resolved. They had been married for six months when Patsy began to feel that Pete was turning away from her; He used to spend longer hours at work, and when he came home he spent a lot of time in front of the computer, and when she told him that she felt like he was avoiding her, Pete told her that he was not avoiding her, but that he simply wanted to stay at his job, and that she did not understand the pressure on him and the importance of him working. He worked hard in his first year on the job, and Patsy wasn't happy, but she decided to give him a chance. Patsy began to make friends with the other wives who lived in the apartment complex, and would often go out shopping with one of her friends instead of coming home directly. After work, if she knew that Pete would be late for work, and sometimes she was not home when Pete arrived home, and this bothered him a lot, and he would accuse her of not being considerate of him and that she was not responsible, and Patsy answered him, saying: “It's negligent.” Who? You don't even call me and tell me when you arrive. I got home, so how can I be here and wait for you if I don't know when you come back? And when you're at home, you spend all your time in front of the stupid computer. You don't need a wife, all you need is a computer. "Computer." Pete shouted and said to her, "I really need a wife, don't you understand that? That's all there is to it, I really need a wife." But Patsy did not understand that, and she was very confused, and in her search For answers? She went to the public library, and looked through many books, and she was saying: “Marriage is not supposed to be this way, and I must find solutions to our current situation.” And when Pete went to the computer room, “Patsy” was holding the book, and in fact She would read until midnight, and while he was going to sleep, Pete would notice this and make some sarcastic comments to her, such as: “If you had read like this when you were in college, you would have gotten A’s every year,” Patsy replied. "I'm not in college, but I'm in marriage, and now I'll be content with a bad grade," she said, and Pete went to bed, and said nothing else. At the end of the first year, Patsy was desperate. She had mentioned this to him before, but this time she said to him calmly: “I'm going to look for a marriage counselor. Would you like to go quietly with me?” But Pete answered her, saying: “I don’t need a marriage counselor, and I don’t have time to go to a marriage counselor, and I can’t afford the money to pay a marriage counselor.” So she said to him: “Then, I’ll go on my own.” “Well, you're the one who needs counseling anyway.” The discussion ended and she felt completely alone. The next week, she made an appointment with a marriage counselor. After three sessions, the counselor called Pete and asked him if he could come and talk about his vision. For their marital life, Pete agreed and the treatment journey began, and after six months had passed, they left the counseling office with a new married life. So I said to “Pete” and “Patsy: “What did you learn through counseling that made your marital life change?” “Pete” said: The essential thing we learned, Dr. Chapman, is how each of us speaks the other's love language. The counselor did not use this term, but when you were giving your lecture, the threads came together, and my mind recalled our experience in counseling, and I realized that this is exactly what happened with us; We have finally learned how to speak each other's love language. I asked Pete, "So what's your love language?" He said without hesitation, "Physical contact." Patsy said, "Physical contact, of course." And what about you, Patsy? “Dedicating time, Dr. Chapman, this is what I needed so badly in those days when Pete spent all his time at work and in front of the computer.” “And how did you know that physical contact is a language?” "Pete for love?" "It took me a while," said Patsy, "and little by little it began to become clear through counseling, and I don't think Pete realized this at first." "She's right," said Patsy. I felt so insecure in my sense of self-worth, that I would forever be unable to realize that her not touching me was what made me turn away from her, and I never told her that I wanted her to touch me, even though I was calling on her from within to extend her hand and touch me. During our dating period, I was always the one who took the initiative by hugging, kissing, and holding the hand, and she always responded, and I felt that she loved me, but after marriage, I would sometimes try to contact her physically, but she would not respond to me, perhaps she was very tired. What are the responsibilities of her new job? I don’t know, but I took it personally, and I thought she no longer found me attractive. Then I decided that I would no longer take the initiative. Because I don't want to be rejected; So I waited to see how long she would wait to initiate a kiss, a touch, or an intimate relationship. One time, I waited six weeks before she even touched me. I found this unbearable, so I withdrew to stay away from the pain I felt when I was with her. I felt rejected and unwanted and that she did not love me. And here Patsy said: “I had no idea that this was what he was feeling, and what I know is that he was not communicating with me. We were not exchanging kisses and hugs as we used to.” Before, but I thought that now that we had become a couple, this no longer mattered to him. I knew that he had a lot of pressure at work. I had no idea that he wanted me to take the initiative, and he had a right. Weeks would go by without me touching him. It comes to my mind; I was busy preparing food, keeping the house clean, washing clothes, and trying to stay out of his way. Frankly, I did not know what else to do. I did not understand his turning away from me and not paying attention to me, and this was not because I hated touching; But because he wasn't that important to me, what makes me feel loved and appreciated is for him to spend time with me and give me his attention, and it didn't really matter to me that we exchange kisses and hugs first; As long as he was giving me his attention, I felt loved. It took us a long time to figure out the root of the problem, but once we discovered that the problem was that neither of us was meeting the other's emotional needs, we started to change things, and once I started taking... I took the initiative and communicated with him physically. What happened was amazing. His personality and spirit changed radically. He had a new husband, and when he was convinced that I truly loved him, he became more positive in meeting my needs. I asked her: “Does he still have a computer at home?” She said: “Yes, but he rarely uses it.” And when he does that, it's okay. I know he's not "married" to the computer, and we do a lot of things together. This makes me give him the freedom to use the computer whenever he wants. “Pete said: “What surprised me about today’s lecture is that it made me go back many years and recall that experience. It summarized in twenty minutes what took most of us months to learn.” I said: “ Well, the important thing is not the speed of learning, but the quality of learning that is important, and it is clear that you both learned well. “Pete” was one of many whose primary language of love is physical contact, and they yearn emotionally for the other party to communicate with them physically, and the touches of love are many. Among them are inserting a hand into the hair, a back massage, holding hands, hugging, and intimate relationships; all of these “touches of love” and many others. They are considered the basic emotional line for a person whose primary language of love is physical contact. If the basic love language for companies in life is Physical contact: 1. As you walk from the car to the shopping mall, reach out to your life partner and hold his hand (this is of course if you do not have three pre-school children). 2. When you are eating together, move your knee and foot until they touch. Your partner in life, but make sure you do not scratch the dog. 3. Go to your partner in life and say to him: “Have I told you recently that I love you?”, and hold him in your arms and hug him while you massage his back and continue doing so, and say to him: “You are the greatest Something in my life” (Resist the urge to leave the bedroom), pull yourself together, and move on to the next step. 4. When your life partner is sitting, come up behind him and start massaging his shoulders, and continue doing this for ten minutes, unless your partner asks you to. Life must stop. 5. If you sit together in a house of worship, and the cleric asks those present to pray, extend your hand and hold the hand of your partner in life. 6. Start the intimate relationship by massaging the other party’s feet, and move to other parts of the other party’s body, as long as That makes him feel happy. 7. Fill the Jacuzzi bath with water, and tell your life partner that you are looking for a partner to join you. 8. Walk down the road together, and extend your hand and touch the other party’s leg, stomach, arm, hand, or..., but if he says You say “Stop,” and it will end immediately. 9. When your family members or friends come to visit you, touch your life partner in their presence. If you hug him, or put your hand next to his, or put your arm around his body while you talk, or simply put your hand on his shoulder, this All things can double the emotional feeling, as if they are saying to him: “Even with all these people in our house, I still see you.” 10. When your life partner arrives home, meet him at a closer stage than usual, and give him a big hug. If you are accustomed to meeting him at the door, meet him in the garage. If you are accustomed to meeting him in the garage, meet him on the street. Then, when the car pulls into the driveway, stop your partner, lean into the low window, and give him a kiss. If you are accustomed to meeting him on the street, hide in the yard. Waiting for the car, then appear when the other party opens the car door, and hug him tightly. (Make sure the other party sees you before you hug him). From the book The Five Love Languages